The Lies I Lived
by IagoThePanda
Summary: Five years ago, he lied to her and left her so she could shine the way she was always meant to. Now, he's back, but nothing could have prepared him for the woman she became or the secrets she hides. DPOV chapters from TTIS marked.


**A/N: Welcome to this first installment of _The Lies I Lived_. This story is my story _The Tears I Shed_ in Dimitri's point of view so if you haven't read it, I encourage you to read it, since as of now, I'm unsure as to whether or not I want to do the whole story, or just select chapters and parts (it's really up to you, the readers, depending on what you'd like.) I imagine there might be a lot of missing information if you decide to follow only this story. **

**Thank you for embarking on this new journey with me and I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

 **~iago**

 **Disclaimer: Vampire Academy and all related works belong to Richelle Mead. No profit is being made from this publication. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

 _Sometimes, pain creates memories that are unbearable alone. Other times, pain makes us remember the past we tried so hard to hide behind. Sometimes, pain becomes a stepping-stone over the bridges that collapsed, allowing us to move towards a future where we might have a chance at something greater - but only if we decide to take it. Sometimes, pain finds a reason, just a simple reason to become a type of hope to lean on to, look back on, and regret._

* * *

I open my eyes to the bright light of day, squinting to correct my vision. We're at a gas station where Mikhail is putting gas in the car. Behind me, Tasha is asleep. She's been asleep since we hit the state border between Indiana and Ohio.

We're somewhere near Cleveland now, and I realize Mikkhail has been driving for close to six hours. "How long have I been asleep?" I ask as he finishes paying and enters the car.

"Not long. About an hour or so," He replies, starting the engine.

"I'll take over from here. You've been driving for a while."

He smiles gratefully as we switch places, "We're halfway there." I nod as I enter the freeway.

 _We're halfway there._

By nighttime tonight, we'll be at the Royal Court.

The woman whose face haunts my dreams – she's there, living the life I wanted for her. I don't know how she's living – Tasha and Mikhail don't talk about their visits to court much – but I know she's there. I have only my memories of her to sustain me – to quench the longing I feel all those nights when I'm unable to sleep.

But even those memories are just memories.

 _She_ was from a lifetime ago – a lifetime when I'd been foolish enough to think that a relationship like ours would be condoned simply because she turned eighteen and graduated from St. Vladimir's Academy. She'd had so much going for her, so much raw, nurtured potential that if I'd stayed with her, she would never have been able to grow.

I was toxic to her in a way I don't think she quite understood: I'd loved her too much, but that love had blinded me. I'd destroyed her innocence. I'd taken it away from her and she hadn't stopped me because she believed she loved me just as much as I knew I loved her.

In the end, my love hadn't been enough. I couldn't stay and watch her realize there would be no way to make something like our relationship work.

 _So I let go first._

I decided to let her go so she could find her happiness in a world without me – without me holding her back from the person I knew she was always meant to be.

"Hey Dimitri," Mikhail says hesitantly, "There's something I want to say to you..." Mikhail was only a few years older than me, but there were times when he proved to be wiser than his age. I always thought it was because he'd experienced the kind of love and heartbreak that people only write about in books – not that we talked about our pasts much. We lived in our secrets but they were the reason we'd been able to guard Tasha.

Mikhail Tanner was a name almost everyone had heard in the vampire world. The reason? He'd given up his position as a guardian at St. Vladimir's Academy in order to chase down his Moroi-turned-Strigoi lover and kill her. His quest to find her and kill her had lasted only three years before he'd finally given up and returned to the Court, where he'd been given a desk job filing paperwork all day everyday as punishment for running away from his duties.

But that's where Tasha had come in: she wanted another guardian, but no one at the Court would grant her the request because of an incident that had transpired _years_ ago when her brother and sister-in-law willingly turned strigoi. So, she'd asked Mikhail if he wanted to be her guardian, and he'd agreed claiming that at least he'd be guarding instead of uselessly filing paperwork.

"What is it?" I ask not taking my eyes off the road.

He takes a deep breath. "Look, I know we have our secrets, Dimitri but we've spent a lot of time together these past few years. I'm gonna miss you."

I glance over at him briefly, and I see the sincerity in his eyes. "Thanks Mikhail. I'll miss you too."

It was probably the most bonding we'd ever really done to be honest, but I _would_ miss him.

"And…" he hesitates briefly before deciding to speak again. "And I hope you find the woman you loved enough to let go."

I freeze. "What–what do you mean?" I ask instead not daring to take my eyes off the road.

I see him turn around slightly out of the corner of me eye before turning towards me. "Tasha's a beautiful woman. She's strong and very intelligent, and any guy would be lucky to have her. I think–" he continues, carefully watching me, "it would only be easy saying no to a woman like Tasha if there was already someone else in your heart. Am I wrong?"

There are things in life that wizens you beyond your years. Those things can't be taught at the academy. They can only be acquired through our experiences. Mikhail was perceptive and wise beyond his years because love had made him. He was intuitive because he'd fought for his love with his life and lost, and he'd learned when to keep fighting and when to give up because of it.

I could lie and disagree with him but I know he'll be able to tell when I'm lying. So I focus on the empty road in front of me – perhaps too intently – knowing it's all he needs for a confirmation.

"I thought so," he replies quietly, "What are you gonna do now?" There is a genuine curiosity in his voice that makes me falter. I don't reply to him, choosing to sit in silence. Tasha is still sleeping in the back, and I'd be content to pretend this conversation never happened, but I can't help but admit to myself that Mikhail just might know what he's talking about.

 _What am I going to do now?_

As guardians, we don't get second chances often. It's almost safe to say that we don't get second chances _ever_ , because there are lives on the line more important than our own, and if we make a mistake, we don't have another chance to make things right again. "I don't know," I reply honestly, keeping my eyes on the road and hoping it will distract me from having to think about what Mikhail has just said. _I don't know._

It doesn't distract me at all. He's right. Of course he's right. _She's_ there. I know it as surely as I know the sun rises in the east. _She_ will be wherever the princess – _queen_ now – is, protecting her from the shadows the only way we know how.

There isn't a day that passes by when I don't think of her: sometimes, when the wind blows as it so often does in Chicago, I imagine her hair blowing with the wind, carrying her carefree laughter with it. Other times, when I'm reading my westerns, I look up, half expecting to see her eyes full of humor and lips curved into a mischievous grin. I can almost hear her teasing me about these westerns I love so much. _Almost._

"This is the exit." Mikhail's quiet voice brings me out of my musings and I signal to get off of the freeway. _This is it._

I haven't been to court since Victor's trial, and I only know the little things Mikhail and Tasha have talked about in passing detail. The small snippets of their conversation are never enough for me, but I've learned to make do with the information I do hear.

 _Rose._ Her name doesn't come up too often when Mikhail and Tasha come back from visiting Christian, but when it does, I listen greedily for anything that will tell me how she's doing.

"How long has it been since you've last been here?" Mikhail asks as we enter the forest.

"Almost six years. The last time I was here, I came for Victor Daskhov's trial."

"It's changed quite a lot since then," Mikhail says quietly as Tasha begins to wake up.

"Where are we?" she asks, her voice groggy with sleep.

Mikhail and I look at each other to decide who will answer. "We will be there in five minutes," Mikhail replies.

I take a deep breath, trying to focus on the road ahead but I can't - not when there are a million different thoughts racing through my mind.

"Don't you have a meeting with the Council, Dimka?" Tasha asks fully alert even though she's just woken up.

"Not the Council. They changed it last minute," I answer. "I'm supposed to meet Guardian Castile as soon as we arrive."

"So you'll be joining us at Lissa's after you're done?"

"Yes."

I grip the steering wheel tighter as we continue, but all too soon, we arrive. We pass through the checkpoint at the entrance after confirming our identities before we begin our drive to the Christian and Lissa's. I don't know how long it takes, but it's the longest drive of my life. Mikhail casts a sideways glance in my direction. "Relax Dimitri," he says and I notice my knuckles have turned white from gripping the steering wheel too tightly. I try to loosen my grip but I can't.

Behind, Tasha becomes more and more excited the closer we get to the house. "They should be awake right?" she asks. "I can't wait to see the look on their faces when we surprise them?" Oh, they'd be surprised for sure.

Mikhail chuckles, "I can't wait to see Alan and Minya again." I don't recognize those names, but then again, it would make sense for the queen to have a few guardians living with them as well.

Tasha laughs loudly, "I think they'll be happy to see you too."

Mikhail smiles, his face softening briefly, and I catch something flash in his eyes that I've never seen before.

"We're almost there! Right there!" Tasha says, excitedly pointing to a turnoff in the main road. Through the bare trees, I can see the shadows of the house. It's huge: large white pillars and bright green ivy hug the walls, starkly contrasting the exposed trees we've passed to get here. There's so much green surrounding the house, which doesn't make sense to me at first, but then I realize: magic. There's so much magic here protecting this place, creating life. I can only imagine the amount of Spirit it must have taken to do something like this. I remember how much even a little bit hurt Rose, and for the first time in a long time, I'm worried about Rose's sanity.

"We'll have to park the car in the parking structure after we finish unloading our stuff, but if we do that, you'll be late for your meeting."

"We can just take everything out and Dimitri can take the car with him. He can get there from here. It won't be too hard, right?" Mikhail asks, the last part directed towards me.

I nod, pushing my worries aside so I can focus on Mikhail and Tasha. I would just go back the same way we'd come.

We pull up by the front and take a deep breath. Rose is there, behind those walls somewhere. Mikhail glances over at me worriedly but I shake my head. _I'm fine._

"I'll go and take everything out. You should get there before Eddie's shift ends or you'll have to wait another day." Mikhail gets out to take out the luggage from the car – or at least as much as he thinks we'll need for the time being. After he's done, he closes the trunk and calls out to me, letting me know he's done.

I take a deep breath, looking one last time at the house before I drive away.

 _We're finally here._

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 **A/N: So how was it? I personally think this chapter is really important because it really establishes Dimitri as a character for the rest of the chapters. Dimitri, even after all these years, is still very much in love with Rose, and we don't get to see that side of him too much from Rose's point of view, especially in the beginning. This is a whole different side of Dimitri... I have to say, I kind of hate him after this chapter. What do you think?**

 **Chapter 2 would be Dimitri's talk with Eddie (it was referenced in a later chapter... _Chapter 11_ I believe) and Chapter 3 is the meeting Between Rose and Dimitri. Which chapter should I do next? Or should I just do both? Please let me know by reviewing in that box down there (and favoriting and alerting)! **

**Lots of Love,**

 **iago**


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